I’m Sorry Ms Jackson…
“…I am for reallllllllll” Outkast, Ms. Jackson
Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings and struggled finding the right words to apolgize? Or maybe the idea of apolozing was so uncomfortable that you just brushed past in an a hurry to move on? Or worst of all, maybe you given a false apology, like an “I”m sorry that you feel that way?”
NSFW Lyrics Warning
There will be times that you mess and accidentally hurt the feelings of another person that you’re in a relationship with. Hurt creates distance between you and the other person - apologizing gives an opportunity for healing and for bringing you and the other person close again. Apologizing matters, but how do you do it well?
Some things to keep in mind when apologizing include:
1.) Say “I’m Sorry” or “I apologize”: Take the lead from the chorus and say I’m sorry - It sounds simple, but saying these words can be easy to skip for the sake of sparing yourself discomfort. Leaning into that discomfort and saying “I’m sorry” expresses regret and segues into the next step.
2.) Take responsibility: A good apology focuses on you and not the other person. You’re responsible for what you said and/or did, and your apology should be about that. Speak specifically about what you did wrong. Taking responsibility is NOT “I’m sorry that you feel that way," “you know I didn’t mean it,” “I never meant to make your daughter cry,” etc.
3.) Acknowledge the harm done and empathize with the other person: You’re apologizing for what you did to the other person and the impact that it had on them - make sure recognize that what you did hurt them.
4.) Make a commitment to do better next time: Nobody is perfect and therefore promising to never hurt the offended person again might be a set up - but you can commit to trying. Think about tangible examples and be specific about how you plan on changing the way you communicate, act, etc.
5.) Acknowledge that the other person has a right to forgive or not forgive: It’s okay to ask the other person to forgive you after you’ve apologized, but remember that just because you’ve apologized doesn’t mean that the other person is required to forgive you. All you can control is the manner in which you apologize and you may need to give the other person space and time to be able to forgive you.
Messing up doesn’t make you a bad person - we all make mistakes and you are not defined by those you make. Taking responsibility for your actions shows strength and humility and gives yourself a chance to grow. And once you recognize that your actions affect not just your life but also those around you, apologizing creates an opportunity for healing in relationships.
