Father’s Day for the Adult Children of Absentee Fathers
“I’m sorry that man is your father, let me be honest / it takes a man to be a man, your dad is not responsive,” Kendrick Lamar, Meet the Grahams
For the next three weeks, and in context of Father’s Day on Sunday 6/16, we’re going to explore themes from Kendrick Lamar’s single Meet the Grahams. Possibly the most infamous drop of Kendricks’ during his beef with Drake, this song was released within an hour of the music video reveal of Drake’s single Family Matters. In Meet the Grahams, Kendrick addresses members of Drake’s family directly and ends with a verse written directly to Drake. And as of the time of this post, Meet the Grahams has garnered over 64 million plays on Spotify alone.
Kendrick Lamar’s music often describes the human experience. I occasionally request that my clients listen to selections from Kendrick’s discography as part of their therapeutic experience (in fact you can read our post from earlier this year on Learning to Love Yourself featuring Kendrick’s 2015 single i). Music connects to the listener when it speaks to our experience better than we can ourselves, and music can be a great support in exploring themes in your own life. Beyond the battle between Drake and Kendrick, Meet the Grahams paints a vivid picture of children with absent fathers. Meet the Grahams connects with the listener because Kendrick shares two verses that describe the experience of children of absentee fathers.
Listen to Meet the Grahams objectively and removed from the Drake and Kendrick beef. The first verse is written directly to a boy named Adonis while the 3rd is written to an unnamed daughter. In each of those verses, Kendrick addresses the child of an absentee father and speaks to their experience. Instead of listening to it as a battle track, I want you to listen with an empathetic ear to the person being addressed in each of these verses. Maybe you can relate to their experiences. Maybe for you, Father's Day is a reminder that the man responsible for your existence has chosen not to be a part of your life. Maybe your sense of self today is unfounded due to his absence. Maybe there are parts of you that are still hurting and need yet to reconcile with your relationship, or lack thereof, with your father.
Listen to the song and read along to the lyrics below. Please note that both the song and the lyrics written are uncensored and are not suitable for young listeners or readers.
VERSE #2
Dear, baby girl
I'm sorry that your father not active inside your world
He don't commit to much but his music, yeah, that's for sure
He a narcissist, misogynist, livin' inside his songs
Try destroy families rather than takin' care of his own
Should be teachin' you timetables or watchin' Frozen with you
Or at your eleventh birthday singin' poems with you
Instead, he be in Turks payin' for sex and poppin' Percs, examples that you don't deserve
I wanna tell you that you're loved, you're brave, you're kind
You got a gift to change the world, and could change your father's mind
'Cause our children is the future, but he lives inside confusion
Money's always been illusion, but that's the life he's used to
His father prolly didn't claim him neither
History do repeats itself, sometimes it don't need a reason
But I would like to say it's not your fault that he's hidin' another child
Give him grace, this the reason I made Mr. Morale
So our babies like you can cope later
Give you some confidence to go through somethin', it's hope later
I never wanna hear you chase a man 'cause his failed behavior
Sittin' in the club with sugar daddies for validation
You need to know that love is eternity and trumps all pain
I'll tell you who your father is, just play this song when it rains
Yes, he's a hitmaker, songwriter, superstar, right
And a fuckin' deadbeat that should never say "more life"
Meet the Grahams
VERSE #1
Dear, Adonis
I'm sorry that that man is your father, let me be honest
It takes a man to be a man, your dad is not responsive
I look at him and wish your grandpa would've wore a condom
I'm sorry that you gotta grow up and then stand behind him
Life is hard, I know, the challenge is always gon' beat us home
Sometimes our parents make mistakes that affect us until we grown
And you're a good kid that need good leadership
Let me be your mentor since your daddy don't teach you shit
Never let a man piss on your leg, son
Either you die right there or pop that man in the head, son
Never fall in the escort business, that's bad religion
Please remember, you could be a bitch even if you got bitches
Never code-switch, whether right or wrong, you a black man
Even if it don't benefit your goals, do some push-ups, get some discipline
Don't cut them corners like your daddy did, fuck what Ozempic did
Don't pay to play with them Brazilians, get a gym membership
Understand, no throwin' rocks and hidin' hands, that's law
Don't be ashamed 'bout who you with, that's how he treat your moms
Don't have a kid to hide a kid to hide again, be sure
Five percent will comprehend, but 95 is lost
Be proud of who you are, your strength come from within
Lotta superstars that's real, but your daddy ain't one of them
And you nothing like him, you'll carry yourself as king
Can't understand me right now? Just play this when you 18
Impact of Caregiver Relationships on Adult Self:
As we grow up, we’re influenced by our early formative relationships which shapes who we become as adults. We learn from both overt and implicit messaging. Cruel words said by a father can have as significant of an impact as missing a birthday party or other milestones.
As children, we integrate beliefs about ourselves from the way that our parents treated us and these perspectives subconsciously continue to inform our worldview and self-esteem into adulthood. Sometimes that subconscious communication sounds like a little critical voice whispering inside your head. Other times, it appears as extremely low self-esteem or a desire to always seek approval from others. We continue to subconsciously seek attention from others, to fulfill the emptiness left by absentee parents.
We also develop perspectives from watching the way that our parents navigate their worlds. If your father was absent, negligent, abusive, or a person of low moral character as represented in this song, you may have learned the same patterns of behavior. Often, clients will come to therapy once they recognize in themselves behaviors they are not proud of. Many men connect with Future Full of Hope to make sense out of the relationships that they did or did not have with their fathers. Like Kenderick sings, “it takes a man to be a man, your dad is not responsive…” and “...Sometimes our parents make mistakes that affect us until we grown.” If the mistakes that your parent(s) made when you were young are affecting you today, then you may want to consider engaging with a mental health professional.
Therapy is a great support for helping you to make sense out of your relationships with your families of origin and to better understand the impact that they had on you; working with Future Full of Hope can help you to make sense out of that experience. At Future Full of Hope, one of our specialties is in working with men, and we join with all of our clients to process their pasts, embrace their present, and create their futures.
If you know Father’s Day will be difficult for you, consider the below five steps:
Acknowledge Your Feelings and Response: One of the reasons Meet the Grahams is so powerful is because the emotion behind the lyrics is palpable. It’s okay to have an internal response - make note of it, acknowledge it, and give yourself a chance to express it.
Let someone in: Don’t isolate - if this weekend is a tough one, make sure to let someone know how you’re doing.
Connect with family: Maybe Dad wasn’t there but other people who cared about you were. Let them know that you’re thankful for the way that they cared for you.
Take some time Sunday (Father's Day): Be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for being who you are today.
Get involved: Sometimes giving to others can be the best path to healing. Find a way to invest in the lives of young people in your community or maybe even mentorship in the lives of young fathers.
Remember, these steps are coping mechanisms and not replacements to therapy.
As you process your past, you learn to make sense of it and to integrate that experience into your present identity. You gain awareness of the way that you were impacted by the nature of your relationship with your father without personalizing it. When you learn to embrace your present, you learn to heal and to disentangle confusing, unkind, malicious messaging you’ve internalized about yourself, others, and the world around you. And when you learn to create your future, you learn to understand that your father’s actions are not indicative of your worth and are able to accept your childhood as a chapter of the story of your life and then choose to become your own whole and healed person.
Contact Future Full of Hope to get started.
If you’re ready to start therapy to make sense out of your relationship with your father, follow the link below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with Kevin
AI Disclaimer: This post is original and written by Kevin Boyd of Future Full of Hope, PLLC. No AI tool was leveraged in the development of this post
