Dealing with Heartbreak
“You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend / And you say he's just a friend, oh baby / You, got what I need but you say he's just a friend / But you say he's just a friend, oh baby / You, got what I need but you say he's just a friend / But you say he's just a friend” Biz Markie, Just a Friend
Empirical evidence (albeit dated 20 years) shows us that Valentine's day blues are real. Whether you are single and feeling the onslaught of the relationship-focused content, or you are trying to mend a broken heart, anecdotally, we know that many people experience an extra dose of sadness around this time of year.
If your February 14th didn’t go as planned and you have found yourself tending to a broken heart – I want to talk to you directly today and give you some suggestions on how to handle a broken heart. With inspiration from the one and only Biz Markie who wrote his hit “Just a Friend” song based on one of his early dating and heartbreak experiences.
The end of a relationship or a fantasy can come as a shock. You may have spent months or years with a person who celebrated milestones with you and have met your family. Or you may be disappointed about a date that ghosted you after a few amazing days or weeks. Everyone handles heartbreak differently. Whether your ex-partner initiated the separation or perhaps your crush is suddenly in a committed relationship with someone else, regardless of the context, there are a few things that can help you process this event and step into your future.
First, respect the other person and their boundaries. Sitcoms and movies have popularized the stereotype of a dejected lover pursuing their love interest until they relent and accept the advances (the Notebook being a big offender). However, this persistence is not healthy for you or respectful of the other person's boundaries. Your feelings are valid, but so are their boundaries. So if you were on the receiving end of a rejection last week, the healthiest thing you can do is respect the individuals’ choice and focus on mending your heart.
Second, find a way to express your feelings. Remember, there is a difference between processing and repressing a feeling. Your feelings are valid (even if disappointing) and you should allow yourself to feel them and express them. Biz Markie provides a great example of this step. When asked about the song's inspiration, he shared “It’s always therapeutic to talk about heartbreak whether it’s a conversation with a friend, or through music.” For Biz, writing a song in a humorous fashion helped him process his feelings of sadness and disappointment. You may not be the Clown Prince of Hip Hop, but can still express your feelings through venting to friends or writing letters or emails (that you will never send). You can also turn to physical activity to help release the emotions - “get a gym pass” is cliche but also can be a great way to burn energy.
Recognize that this is a loss and allow yourself time to grieve. There is no single formula or timeframe for grief, so allow yourself the time you need. At the same time, make sure you are not exacerbating the pain by constantly checking your ex-es social media and going to places that were special for you two. Treat your heartbreak like you would a broken leg and avoid putting unnecessary pressure on the wound until it heals enough. Your friends and family may be able to help you find the balance between giving yourself enough time and wallowing. Just make sure you use discernment in who you ask for guidance. You can always reach out to a therapist to help you process your feelings.
Eventually, you will find your pain subside and you may even start noticing attractive people around you. Lean into those feelings and give yourself permission to feel attraction and start dreaming of a future with someone else. Take a risk and dip back out into the dating pool.
As a therapist who often works with people who identify as men, I would be remiss to not address this point: heartbreak or disappointment should never be expressed in violent ways. Unfortunately, intimate partner homicide is common in our society globally. While your feelings are valid, they are also your responsibility to manage them without victimizing the other person. None of the healthy coping mechanisms mentioned above include a revenge fantasy. If you are feeling upset and are experiencing violent thoughts, call 911 or contact your local hospital emergency room for immediate support.
As an additional note, if you find yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited ongoing pursuit, some things to keep in mind include:
Set and communicate firm and clear boundaries
Cut all contact (block phone numbers, email addresses, social media accounts)
Let your friends and family know about the unsolicited attention.
Document and save evidence of unwanted communication and advances
If you feel unsafe or are afraid of harm to yourself, contact 911.
Interested in taking a deeper dive in therapy to kick off your new year? Follow the link below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation!
AI Disclaimer: This post is original and written by Kevin Boyd of Future Full of Hope, PLLC. No AI tool was leveraged in the development of this post
