Resolving Conflict
Tips for Resolving Conflict, featuring J Cole’s Public Apology given at Dreamville on April 7, 2024
The hip hop game was taken BY STORM over the past few weeks by the beef between Drake and Kendrick Lamar. However, this week’s blog isn’t written to break down that beef, analyze songs or decide on a winner. Instead, we’re looking at conflict and how to resolve it.
While your conflict is likely not set in the context of public media and dope raps, chances are that you still have experienced tension and discord in relationships. Sometimes clients connect with Future Full of Hope because they are seeking support while navigating conflict with another person who they’re in a relationship with - maybe a peer, a colleague, an intimate partner, or a child. Dictionary.com defines conflict as “a fight, battle, or struggle, especially a prolonged struggle…incompatibility or interference, as of one idea, desire, event, or activity with another.” Conflicts in your relationships can be destabilizing, scary, demoralizing and unavoidable. Humans are social creatures, and part of living in relationships with other humans means that conflict will happen at one time or another.
You can be prepared for conflict resolution before the conflict starts:
Expect Conflict: Expecting to never have conflict is unrealistic and sets you up for a bigger shock when conflict occurs. If you expect to avoid conflict then any dispute or disagreement can feel dramatically more significant or cause a sense of shame and guilt. If you are a human that interacts with other people, then at some point you will encounter a disagreement. Don’t be surprised and be equipped to respond.
Be aware of your own conflict resolution style: Everyone responds differently to tension in the room. You may get nervous and isolate or shut down. Or you may get defensive and lash out. Or you may be so uncomfortable with conflict that you ignore your own needs for the sake of moving on quickly. Become curious about your natural response and make sure to not judge yourself. Awareness of your natural tendencies can help you lean into the strengths of your conflict resolution style.
If you have a partner or close friend and family members, consider discussing conflict resolution styles before any tension or disagreements occur. Discuss how each of you naturally reacts to conflict and what strategies can help navigate the tension. Then when conflicts do happen, you will be prepared and you will have a gameplan in place for coping.
When a Conflict happens, we can either choose to escalate or focus on a resolution. While Drake and Kendrick continued to escalate their conflict, J Cole chose a different path. This beef started between the “big three” artists and was about to escalate, until J Cole publicly apologized and disengaged. While many initially criticized J Cole, the public consensus now is that he made a wise decision. So what does J Cole’s apology teach us about conflict and conflict resolution? The video of J Cole’s apology is embedded below; please note that the language/audio is Not Safe For Work and is inappropriate for young listeners.
Recognize the Conflict When it Happens
Acknowledge the conflict for yourself: Don’t pretend there is no friction. J Cole could have completed his entire set without mentioning any of the beef; however, he recognized that silence would have been an immature choice. Ignoring your feelings only allows them to stew within you and they will impact your ability to engage. Acknowledging it empowers you to do something about it.
Do a self check in: How do I feel about what’s going on between me and the other person? What happened that I’m having this reaction too? Do I need to regulate my feelings before I say something? J Cole admitted that he felt lame about his actions against Kendrick but that he was responding to internal and external pressure, but the reactions left him feeling wrong inside.
Acknowledge the conflict with the other person: Pretending it’s not there is passive. Being petty about it is passive aggressive. Instead, speak assertively to your experience. Check in with the other person too - how are they feeling about it?
Resolve the conflict itself:
Align with your person: When you’re resolving the conflict, focus on solving the problem, no beating the other person. You’re not “battling a ghost or AI?” Remind yourself that it’s not “me versus you,” it’s “me and you and our relationship versus the conflict.” J Cole did this well by recognizing that him and Kendrick are on the same side and that the jabs were not appropriate.
Recognize whether you played a role in the conflict: Be kind but honest. While some instances of conflict may have been fully caused by one side, typically both sides played a role in escalating the tension. This is especially true in relationships with an equal power dynamic and of equal status.
As appropriate, take responsibility and apologize for your role in the conflict. Remember that if the conflict was private, you can make the apology privately. However, if like J Cole and Kendrick you took the beef public - then the apology may also need to be public.
Remember that you cannot control how the other person engages or does not engage in conflict resolution - you are responsible however, for managing your own role in it. Be more like J Cole.
Make a commitment to change your behavior in the future, as appropriate. Remember that sometimes the change is in the relationship with the person while sometimes the best way to resolve a conflict is to distance yourself from the relationship - especially if the conflict is toxic.
Ask the same of the other person - give them a chance to apologize and to commit to change.
Conflict is unavoidable and you get to choose how you engage in it. Be prepared for conflict before it occurs. When it does happen, be curious about your own conflict resolution style and talk to others about it. And do something about it. Winning the person is more important than winning the conflict.
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AI Disclaimer: This post is original and written by Kevin Boyd of Future Full of Hope, PLLC. No AI tool was leveraged in the development of this post
