Recognizing Your Inner Voice and Learning to Love Yourself
“Everybody lack confidence, everybody lack confidence / How many times my potential was anonymous? How many times the city making me promises? So I promise this - I LOVE MYSELF!” Kendrick Lamar, i
I often work with clients who have goals to increase self-love, to build confidence, or to develop self-esteem. They have a hard time believing in their worth, recognizing their value and practicing self-compassion. These challenges can be further exacerbated by false assumption that everyone else is doing great! If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. In his 2015 hit single i, Kendrick reminds us that everybody, including himself, lacks confidence sometimes. One of my favorite albums to refer clients to for a listening exploration of an artist’s journey from depression to self-love is Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp A Butterfly. This week’s post is inspired by the single i (for further listening and in order to appreciate the full impact of this song I suggest that you take time to listen to the whole album from front to back).
If you relate to the struggle of loving who you are, a helpful starting place could be recognizing your inner voice and what it says about you. Your inner voice shapes your perception of both yourself, of the world around you, and of your relation to the world around you. Your inner voice, your inner self talk can either build you up or hurt you deeply.
When I’m helping clients recognize this voice in therapy, we’ll also explore its origin. It’s fascinating to me that often our negative inner voice isn’t actually our own but seems to belong to someone else who wounded us. No baby is born with an inner monologue saying, “I’m too fat…I’m worthless…I’ll never be good at anything…etc.” Negative thoughts don’t seem to be innate to us as humans. Many of these thoughts stem from past experiences and relationships. For example maybe your caregivers introduced negative messages about you which are later reflected in your inner voice as an adult. In other cases, the negativity might come from social relationships and friends - both well intended and toxic comments can leave a mark and shape your internal language. Or maybe you took a risk to be vulnerable regarding your feelings about yourself and those feelings were not validated in a manner that served to amplify a negative inner voice. Some research shows that individuals with depression are also more likely to fall into the trap of negative self-talk.
Noticing a negative inner voice and being curious of its origin can help you understand it. Remember that just because the voice is inside of you, doesn’t mean it’s kind to you. Nor does it mean its message is true. You have the power inside of you to develop a more positive narrative and encouraging inner voice about who you are. And like Kendrick you can lean in and promise yourself “I love myself”.
Some Steps to shifting a negative inner voice to positive voice that includes self-love and compassion:
Start to notice your inner voice. Pay attention to it. What does it sound like? When is it loudest? When is it most quiet?
Choose How to Respond: Ignore it, Mute it, Rebuke it, or Amplify another voice, or a combination of a few of those strategies.
Ignore It: Notice the voice, recognized it for what it is, then shift your attention to focus on the task at had, sort of like the same way you might let a tv show run in the background while cleaning counters or passively listening to a podcast. Using a mindfulness exercise like meditation or a breathing exercise can also pull your attention away from that voice.
Mute it: Instead of ignoring it and letting it run in the background, focus on hearing the message, recognizing the source of the voice and turning it off. For example, if the automatic self-talk says something like, “Ugh I’m such a screw up,” reframing it might sound like, “that’s exactly what my parent used to say to me - that’s their voice about who I am, not my voice.”
Rebuke it: Recognize the voice, pay attention to it’s message, and look for evidence contrary to it. Using the example above, this may look like, “I’m not actually a screw up. I made a mistake sure, but so does everybody. I’ve actually done a really good job so far and it’s not fair to myself to personalize that mistake.”
Amplify another voice: If you could inner monologue from a more kind or compassionate perspective, what might it sound like? Integrate that new inner voice and direct your attention there rather than to the negative one. Examples might include, “I’m learning alot, I’ve done a really good job and am getting back on track.” Kendrick actually models a positive affirmation exercise doing the album version of i where he sings, “…and when I look in the mirror, tell me what do I see, I love myself!”
Like any muscle, learning to recognize, respond to, and develop your inner voice will get better with time!
Interested in taking a deeper dive in therapy to kick off your new year? Follow the link below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation!
AI Disclaimer: This post is original and written by Kevin Boyd of Future Full of Hope, PLLC. No AI tool was leveraged in the development of this post
